


grabbed a pond frond and held on

by carricakes



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Found Family, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sad Ending, Tragic Found Family, Trauma, abel's an olm, baby's first fic, forzen's a Portuguese man o' war, fuck black mesa all my homies hate black mesa, gordon's a bastard/banana eel, jen's a leopard shark, joshua's a leopard eel, mermaid au, siren au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:13:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25211458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carricakes/pseuds/carricakes
Summary: Gordon should never have become a leviathan.---Based on @CrackheadMossMan 's reverse mermaid/siren au ideas and @demizorua 's "Spring and a Storm."
Relationships: Gordon Freeman & Joshua Freeman, Gordon Freeman & Original Character(s)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 80





	1. Cerulean to Leaf Means I'm Filled With Grief

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Spring and a Storm](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24848821) by [demizorua](https://archiveofourown.org/users/demizorua/pseuds/demizorua). 



> again, this is pretty much piggybacking off of @CrackheadMossMan 's rev mer au ideas and @demizorua 's fic based off of those ideas, "Spring and a Storm." it's meant to be a sort of precursor to "Spring and a Storm," kinda?
> 
> here's the caard for it, please read both of their fics first if you're confused: https://hlvraimerau.carrd.co/#
> 
> title from "12-26" by Kimya Dawson.

Gordon should never have become a leviathan.

Among the many changes and hardships he’s had to endure over the decades, that statement always proved true. It was a universal constant. And the only clear, complete thought he had those first couple days.

Scratching at the cold stone floor (he never thought he’d miss sand of all things), curled up under the weight of his tail, Gordon just felt… empty. It wasn’t like there was any point in feeling anything else - he’d already exhausted all the other possible emotions he could feel ten times over. First fear, then rage, then _suffocating_ grief, and now, nothing. He racked his brain for answers, for some semblance of a plan, but he was still reeling from whatever god awful noise they kept beaming into the water.

Gordon tried to even his breath, focus on _anything_ else that might help him clear his thoughts. It proved difficult considering there wasn’t much else to do in this god-awful hellscape. The water was too still and goddamn _freezing_ , the floor and walls too rough and claustrophobic, the background noise somehow too quiet and too loud at the same time with all the beeping and- and the fucking _lights_ \- who the fuck needed that much light anyway-

Gordon shut his eyes as tight as possible. _Nope, no, not gonna start that again_ . 

Bad idea. Forcing himself not to focus on his suffering meant listening to himself think. Which, funnily enough, was a very bad thing when the wrinkly fucker in his skull kept spitting out thoughts laced with venom like _you’re pathetic, can’t even deal with a shitty fucking time in a shitty fucking prison_ and _why aren’t you more concerned about your son_ and _dear god what are they doing to him_ and _you’ve failed every single person who has ever cared about you_ and **_you’re a failure of a leviathan._**

Which would be fine if that last thought didn’t also force him to _remember why._

\-----

Gordon didn’t remember much about his original school, other than the fact that they lived in the shallows, specifically a coral reef. And the constant anxiety. Which was fine by him, considering.

Gordon had loved exploring the reef, mostly because he could study the plants and fish and crustaceans, learning as much as he could about his surroundings. 

It was a great reprieve from the tension he felt from the rest of the school, from encroaching schools and humans threatening their safety. Gordon couldn’t remember, but for some reason most sirens were fleeing to the depths. Some schools stayed out of pure stubbornness, and as the uninvaded territory sirens could inhabit in the shallows dwindled, competition for resources and land skyrocketed. It quickly became necessary for leviathans to protect their school from other schools in order to survive.

Their leviathan was essentially working double duty since their other leviathan passed away, acting as the primary defender of a relatively large school. Which ended up being a full-time job for her, stressing her to the point of deteriorating her physical health. She was dead-set on staying in the reef, however, and so they stayed. They desperately needed another leviathan, and the school began furious debates on which of the new broods it should be. 

Gordon wasn’t a popular choice, and frankly, he wouldn’t have had it any other way. He enjoyed relative peace while the rest of the kids stressed and trained.

All in all, it wasn’t the _best_ childhood, but it was passable. It was possible for a younger Gordon to pretend that everything was okay, and just race through the reef with the rest of his age group.

That is, up until all of his brood-mates died.

Gordon couldn’t decide which was worse; the fact that he couldn’t remember most of what happened that day or the memories he was somehow able to keep. 

He remembered the commotion, the wail of grief-stricken parents, the sinking sensation in his stomach when he realized what had happened, why his friends were lying so still, why their necks looked so weird. He never found out what happened, all he knew was that they strayed too far from the reef. Gordon suspected humans, but he could’ve been wrong. He’d been wrong about a lot of things back then.

The incident left the school with an extraordinarily stressed leviathan, a group of devastated parents and family exhausted from grief and strife, and no competent successor for the leviathan in sight. 

So of course it was left up to him. 

Gordon’s lighthearted, curious adventures were suddenly replaced with agonizingly long training sessions and long lessons drilling him on his new responsibilities. One member of the school constantly hovered over him, correcting his work or pulling him away from playtime to train. To say that it was nerve wracking would be an understatement. Not to mention that he was still a fucking child, having responsibility like that shoved directly on his shoulders, being expected to grow up much faster than he was prepared for, while also dealing with grief. Yeah. It was fucked. Gordon felt entitled to hold grudges over that.

What stung the most was the feeling of inadequacy that was beamed into his skull every moment of every day. It wasn’t just that they were forced to choose a leviathan far too early, he was also the least popular choice. But, no one else was able or willing to take it on, so _woop-de-fucking-do_.

Gordon could practically feel the disappointment through the saltwater as he listened to their potion expert recite a spell from memory into a carved-out section in the coral. He sounded more like a bored teenager reading shitty poetry rather than an expert performing a critical spell for the future of their school. _It’s not like there were any better options_ , he seemed to say.

And, what do you know? They were right to have low expectations.

\-----

It was Gordon’s fault, really.

He’d snuck away from the rest of the group, trying to shirk his responsibilities as usual. Gordon was adolescent by then; in hindsight it should have been no surprise that he would start rebelling a little. Didn’t matter though, it was still his fault.

Gordon saw the black, foreboding shapes of ships anchored not far from the reef. Saw the black human-sized shapes emerging from it. Saw them rocketing towards the school at unnatural speeds.

He saw them. And he swam away.

 _Oh god oh fuck oh fuck._ He swam to the school. The humans were already there.

Their leviathan (their _real_ leviathan) looked torn to shit. Gashes all over her body creating a haze of dark red around her as she blindly swiped and thrashed. He forced himself not to look at the limp bodies behind her, mers floating to the surface while heavy human bodies drifted to the sandy floor. He caught a shockingly red piece of fabric on one of their heads. Part of their suit must have come off, he would realize later. 

The humans surrounded the leviathan, the material covering their faces making them look cold and soulless, holding spears and sharp nets. She caught him out of the corner of her eye, frozen and terrified and _cowardly_ , and screamed at him to go.

And he listened. Didn’t hesitate. Didn’t stop to help.

Gordon swam as far as he felt comfortable straying from the reef. It could’ve been minutes, it could have been hours, but he finally found a shallow cave hidden among some rocks. 

Leaning against the wall of the makeshift cave, breathing a laboured sigh of relief, Gordon suddenly felt a flood of indistinguishable emotions pour over him. 

_Some leviathan you turned out to be._

He curled in on himself and cried.

\-----

Gordon jolted awake to the sound of a pained yelp.

“AUGH- FUCK-”

He bolted upright, eyes darting around for the source of danger. _Oh god I need to defend myself they found me oh f-_  
Seeing only the still cave, Gordon sat confused for a moment, wondering where the sound had come from. He flinched as he heard the voice again, this time from out of the cave.

“Jesus fffff- okay, okay, just gotta- ugh-”

Gordon slowly peeked his head out of the cave, very careful not to make his presence known.

Luckily, the source of the noise was making themselves pretty obvious. 

He saw another siren (he relaxed a little- at least the humans hadn’t tracked him down), a bit too close to the entrance of the cave for comfort, struggling to push a large boulder that was crushing their tail. Gordon barely repressed a wince of sympathy. Their position didn’t look that comfortable either - their tail had to be twisted or bent awkwardly in order for them to properly grip the boulder. From a healthy distance, they didn’t look all that intimidating - the spots running down her tail were intriguing, sure, but not uncommon. Long brown hair, pale skin, most definitely aggravated.

They were also wearing a brown bit of cloth on their torso. _Why are they wearing human clothes?_ So many mysteries, so little time.

However, Gordon felt his blood run cold when he saw the large, sharp dorsal fin jutting out from their lower back.

 _SHIT SHIT SHIT._ He couldn’t take a fight with a shark right now - and they were pretty much blocking his only route out of the maze of rocks surrounding the cave. Even with their tail injured, they could still do some serious damage - Gordon noted deep scratches in the side of the boulder. If this was their turf, then they would have no problem defending it, especially if it was from other sirens.

Gordon hadn’t realized he was staring, frozen in place, until the siren suddenly stopped cursing and mumbled, “What?”

He slowly looked up to meet a pair of piercing, diamond-shaped eyes looking at him, dazed and confused. 

Gordon immediately jetted to the back of the cave.

The siren called after him - “Wait! Damnit- Kid, c’mon, hold up-”

“Go away!” he squeaked, pressing his back up against the cold rock. The shark bent around to see into the cave, and Gordon realized in a panic that they could easily reach in and grab him if they wanted. He saw them reach towards him and scrunched his eyes and thought bitterly _well, this is fitting, **fucking pathetic to the very end-**_

He opened his eyes after a moment, suddenly more confused than scared.

The siren had taken their outstretched hand back, cradling it with their other hand awkwardly. Their expression was that of… worry? shock? even more confusion? - before it settled into a soft but determined smile. 

“Hey, look, I’m not gonna hurt you, alright?” They put their hands up in a gesture clearly meant to put him at ease, but all Gordon could focus on was how sharp their claws were. Their face shifted into a more confused look as Gordon refused to calm down.

“Okay, uh, where’s your school? Did- did they swim off somewhere? Or what?” they asked, their voice sounding thoroughly lost.

Gordon curled in on himself further, blocking events of the last day from his mind _(still a goddamn coward, what do you know)._

The shark stilled, taking his silence as a bad sign. “Shit, uh, bad topic-” They attempted to shift their body to inch further into the cave.

Gordon’s fighting instincts finally kicked in at the sudden movement, and he sprung outwards to slash in a wide motion, entirely missing the shark in his desperation. “Don’t _fucking_ come closer!”

“Woah- alright, alright,” they muttered, surprised.

Tension floated in the saltwater between them for a long moment. The siren awkwardly fidgeted with their hands before running them through her brown hair, looking deep in thought. The light peeking out from behind their silhouette still gave the shark a shadowed, threatening aura, but without any further attempts to come closer, the panic slowly seeped from Gordon, quickly replaced by a pang of regret at his behavior. So far, they hadn’t done anything to deserve his outburst. Not to mention their tail - he had no fucking clue how they were still this patient while in that kind of pain. The shark has so far been an anomaly between their acceptance of an unknown siren in their part of the shallows and their attempts to be non-threatening, and he hoped that also meant they were being sincere about wanting to help him.

Still. Pressed up against the end of the shallow cave, it was difficult to accept their attempts at comfort at face value. 

“Aren’t you going to eat me?” Gordon choked out, unable to keep the fear and dread out of his voice.

They wrinkled their eyebrows, amused. “ _Eat_ you? Why would I do that?”

Gordon shot her a skeptical glare.

The siren snorted. “Dude, if I wanted to eat someone today I definitely would not have chosen some tiny little eel. You’ve barely got enough meat on you-”

They cut themselves off as Gordon glared a little harder.

The siren made an awkward coughing noise. “Not that I eat people, though.”

“Somehow I doubt that.”

They looked taken off guard for a moment before their face split into hysterical laughter. It might have been endearing were it not for Gordon’s acute awareness of their sharp, jagged teeth.

“ _Oh_ , kid, I like you.”

Gordon snapped back without thinking. “Don’t call me ‘kid.’”

The siren giggled a little. “Why not?”

“Because- Because you’re barely older than me!” he exclaimed, more than a little bit exasperated. Up close, Gordon could clearly see that they were relatively young.

“Please, you look like a minnow. Can’t be _that_ old.”

Gordon stiffened, indignant. He wasn’t that short. He opened up his mouth to protest, before being cut off by the shark.

“ _Alright_ , little-” The siren erupted in giggles before starting again. “-little baby eel boy. I believe you. Wise beyond your years.”

Gordon scoffed a little. “You’re really calm for someone who got their tail-”

“ _Her_ tail.”

“For someone who got her tail crushed.”

The siren let out another wave of giggles, curling in on herself. Gordon noticed he wasn’t nearly as tense as he was a minute ago, despite the frustration that came with talking to the shark. He wasn’t sure how to feel about that, to be honest, but he wasn’t about to completely trust someone who could probably kill him in a millisecond (maybe? She was pretty small and not as aggressive as other sharks he’d known - he was second-guessing himself on his initial judgement).

Gordon was startled out of his thoughts when the siren let out a sudden hiss of pain, having unintentionally pulled at her tail.

“Augh- okay, still crushed,” she sighed. “Listen, I’d love to chat more, trust me, but I’m gonna have to ask you to help me out here.”

Gordon tensed, the thought of leaving the cave shoving the red flags in his face once again. “Why would I do that?”

She gave him a sobered look. “Look, I’m not going to attack you or anything. I just need you to get my bag for me.”

Gordon considered this for a moment. “... and if I help you, you promise not to attack me? Even after I help you out?”

The siren sighed a little louder. “I just said I wouldn’t, but y’know if you need to shake on it or something.” She slowly offered him her hand. “I promise I won’t attack you if you help me out.”

Again, the small paranoid voice in his head screamed at him to _leave while you have the chance, you idiot_. But another part of him felt grateful that her presence distracted him from his thoughts. Gordon was torn between the two intense emotions as he gaped at the outstretched hand.

_Fuck it. I’ve got nothing left to live for._

“Deal.” He grabbed her hand, hoping the siren wouldn’t feel how shaky his hands were.

“Great!” She sounded relieved. _That’s good, right?_ “Ok, come out, I’ll show you where it is.”

The siren ushered him out and pointed at a large brown lump maybe ten feet away from the entrance to the cave. “I’ve got something in there that can take care of my, uh, predicament.”

Gordon raised an eyebrow. “You couldn’t get that yourself? It’s not that far.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you could get it with your long-ass tail.”

He rolled his eyes, swimming towards the lump (he assumed that’s what she meant by bag). Up close, the “bag” looked relatively light - maybe filled with air? Sand? On second thought, that would have made it heavier - but when Gordon attempted to pick it up he found that it was far more solid.

“What the- What is in this thing? Rocks?”

“That and some other stuff.”

The bag was easier to pick up with a bit more effort, and Gordon dumped it just in front of the siren, who immediately started rooting through the items stored inside.

“Aha!” She pulled out a long, curved piece of black metal, with a forked tip on one end. The shark twist around and lodged a curved end in between the rock crushing her tail and the ground, then pushed all her body weight down on the metal. She wasn’t having much success; the shark had to twist her body at an awkward angle to push down on it, and she was clearly struggling with not moving her tail at the same time.

Gordon just blankly stared at her for a moment before it occurred to him that he should maybe try to help. Considering he was on a roll with not thinking about the consequences of his actions _(holy shit you dumbass you’re too close she could rip your throat out)_ , it wasn’t all that surprising when he found his hands suddenly gripping the cold metal. “Here. On three.”

The siren quirked an eyebrow at him. “Alright.”

“One, two, three-” Both of them together easily managed to push the metal down, allowing a gap between the rocks. She quickly yanked her tail out of the gap before Gordon lost his grip, the shark hissing at the lack of pressure, but otherwise fine.

The shark sighed in relief, moving her tail a little to test out her newfound freedom. She turned to face Gordon again. “Thanks. Name’s Jen.”

“Gordon.”

“Well, Gordon, what now?” Jen asked, stretching her arms in a clear attempt to look casual.

He felt his breath hitch. “What do you mean?”

“Well, you’re still separated from your school. I didn’t see any mers on my way up here.”

 _Right, of course she would question that._ “I’m pretty sure they’re long gone.” His shoulders slumped. It felt wrong to lie to her like that, but he wasn’t keen on dumping his entire life story on some random siren he’d just met.

The shark’s expression lost its lighthearted edge. “Shit. I’m sorry.”

_You don’t know the half of it._

Gordon scanned the surrounding waters as the conversation dropped off. It wasn’t much to look at, just empty water, grey rock, and long stretches of sand as far as the eye could see. _Fuck_ , he missed the reef. At least the brightly colored coral there was interesting to stare at as he spaced out.

He winced and shoved the memories back down. “What about you?”

Jen’s turned her head back toward him. “What?”

“Where’s your school?”

The shark’s eyes darted toward the drab stone beneath them, then back out at the open ocean. “Eh. Schools were never really my thing.” 

There was more there, but Gordon didn’t want to press. “Sorry.”

Jen flashed him a toothy smile. “Nah, it’s alright. Gives me more room to look for cool shit.”

“‘Cool shit’? Like the…” He gestured towards the piece of metal still laying on the ground where they’d left it. “Like that?”

“Crowbar,” Jen supplied.

“Yeah, that.”

“Yeah! Humans throw away the coolest shit sometimes, the ungrateful fucks,” she ranted, going through her bag. “A lot of it ends up in the water near the shores, so I just swipe it.” Jen pulled out a shiny disc to show to him, slowly turning it so that he could see the strip of color that it reflected. “Most of it’s just cool looking rocks, but sometimes you get more interesting stuff.”

Gordon did a double take. “Wait, you’ve gone near the shore? That’s fucking suicide!”

Jen winked. “Not if you don’t get caught.”

“Don’t they like, I dunno, _cut off shark fins?_ ”

“Again, not a problem if you aren’t a dumbass,” she chided. “Most of them aren’t that attentive anyway. Stole one of their shirt thingies on a beach once.” Jen stretched the front of the cloth around her torso (a shirt, Gordon corrected himself, he was learning all sorts of things today), allowing Gordon to clearly see the circular print on the front, with two humans standing in the center. Huh. Weird.

Jen leaned back on her arms, scanning the open water in front of them. “You can find all kinds of shit they leave behind if you just pay-”

She let out an unrestrained gasp of glee as her eyes fixed something in the distance. Gordon barely had a chance to react before she rocketed past him, picking up a shiny, black dome hidden in the rocks. 

“Holy shit! They left it here! I’ve been trying to find one of these for forever!” she exclaimed, turning the object over in her hands as she inspected it.

“What is it?”

“I dunno. I’ve seen humans wear these to go underwater though,” she mused, her clawed fingers grazing over a metal grate jutting out over the black plastic. Two circles of glass were embedded right above it, creating an eerie looking face. There was a large, uneven dent in the side, like someone had bashed in the object out of frustration. 

_Or grief,_ Gordon thought unwillingly.

Once again, he blocked out the memories of the last day, fidgeting to keep his hands from shaking. If he squinted with blurry eyes, he could almost deceive himself into believing that it was a coincidence they’d found _that_ right outside his cave.

It might’ve worked, if Jen hadn’t turned the helmet right then, if he hadn’t seen the tiny, orange symbol on the back. The cracks in the sleek plastic near the back of the neck. It looked like teeth marks.

Gordon felt his breath pick up as the memories started flooding back, the red mist floating in the water around him, the limp bodies of his school, his family, now lifeless, their old leviathan fighting for her life as the spears sank into her body, as the black, soulless shapes closed in, _you could’ve frozen them before they got to the reef you fucking pathetic excuse for a siren, had to freeze up and get them all killed- they were right outside and you didn’t even **notice-**_

He hadn’t realized he’d let a bit of his voice out, cerulean to leaf, the stream of color floating out in front of him as he dug his claws into his forearms, curling forwards. Shit. _Way to go, jackass._ Fuck. 

Jen gaped at him, utter shock and confusion apparent on her face _she doesn’t fucking deserve to deal with your breakdowns, you should be able to deal with this yourself -_

“Wh-” Her attention jumped back to the object in her hands, turning it over before her eyes likely caught on the same symbol. A flurry of emotions passed over her face as she looked between Gordon and the object; contemplation, dawning horror, pity, rage. “So you’re what they were here for,” she muttered under her breath, her voice tense and low. 

A cloud of bubbles rushed out from her gills, and a shrill screech echoed through the water as her claws dug into the metal in the front.

Gordon flinched, knowing full well what she’d say next - Gordon had failed his school. That wasn’t something that sirens took lightly. Jen would yell at him, maybe toss him around a bit. Then he’d be on his own. Worse, she’d suspect that he was just faking his weakness for the perfect chance to strike (if only), and bolt away.

“Those fuckers.”

Wait, what?

Gordon felt a hand on his shoulder, causing him to flinch away. He looked up to find Jen’s eyes trained on him, her expression so horribly, bafflingly _soft_ and yet so angry (he had a feeling it wasn’t at him, strangely), pulling back her arm.

“Fuckin’,” she cursed, frustrated, “Look, I’m not really good at this. But. I get it? Shit’s wild for you right now.” 

Jen looked down, deep in thought. “They- they took everything from me too. Fuckin’. Took me from my home. Did-Did some stuff. Then they said I was _‘incompatible.’_ ” She practically growled out the last word. Her hand moved down to rub one of her pectoral fins, revealing a moderately large scar, almost like a deep crack in a rock, running to almost the center of the fin. Gordon wondered how he hadn’t seen that before. 

“After- after that they just dumped me in the middle of nowhere. ‘S why I started stealing shit. And stayed alone,” Jen muttered, her eyes scanning the ground before coming back up to meet his. “So, uh, you’re not alone. Ironically.”

Gordon felt torn between a thousand different emotions, each one more frustrating and surprising than the last. Emotional vulnerability wasn’t something that was usually met with… whatever this was. At least in his experience. So there’s yet another point of confusion, as well as some lingering distrust. On the other hand, he hadn’t even said anything about it and she’d already figured out all of his problems, which was somehow both terrifying and comforting. At least he didn’t need to spill his guts and listen to his choked-up voice the whole time.

Gordon rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes, and forced himself to breathe. Fuck. In for 8, out for 10. Was that the phrase? He hadn’t needed to use it before. And now he’s lost count, great.

He was stunned out of his train of thought when Jen muttered, “Here,” and he looked up to find her hand outstretched. “It’s your choice, though,” she said, a little louder.

Gordon took the offered hand without really thinking about it, grateful for the sensory distraction. Almost immediately Jen began rubbing small circles on the back of his hand with her thumb, careful not to knick him with her claws. 

It took a good few minutes (at least, Gordon thought) for him to calm down, focusing on the rubbing sensation rather than the intense burning in his gills or anything going on in his head. Slowly but surely, his head cleared, and he could breathe without gasping. 

He blankly realized that he was still holding Jen’s hand. Awkward. He let her hand slip out of his, hoping she wouldn’t take it the wrong way.

Jen simply leaned back on her arms, stretching her tail out in front of her. The shark combed her claws through her hair again, letting out a sigh before turning back to Gordon.

“So,” she started, caution overriding her false bravado, “... bigshot eel man, huh?”

“So just because I’m a leviathan I’m longer?”

Jen stilled for a moment, surprised he said the Word they were both thinking, before clearing her throat. “Hey, I never said you were _big_ , I said you were a _bigshot_. Big difference.”

Gordon groaned. “God, that’s awkward.”

“The pun or the breakdown?” Jen asked.

“Both, I guess.”

“My puns are amazing, thank you very much,” she chided, “And far more awkward than anything you could do in your life.”

The conversation drifted into comfortable silence, with both mers staring out into the empty water in front of them, as if suddenly aware of the space in front of them.

“You know, you never really answered my question earlier,” Jen said.

“Which question?”

“ _‘What now?’_ ” she repeated. “I think it’s more important now. You’re kinda, uh, on your own.” Jen vaguely gestured to their surroundings to emphasize her point.

What _was_ he going to do? It wasn’t like he had anywhere to go now. And staying here wasn’t an option - even he knew it was too close to the shores. The thought of being completely and utterly alone kept him from really thinking of his future. The most he could manage was a downtrodden, “I don’t know.”

Jen looked away again, suddenly deep in thought. She took a while to turn back, her confident filter all the way off, to sputter out, “Well. I mean. We could just stick together?”

“What?”

“I mean, neither of us really have anywhere else to go. It might be nice having a partner in crime. I dunno.” She folded her hands in front of her. “Again, it’s your choice.”

Gordon opened his mouth instinctively to say, _“no thanks, I don’t want another death on my conscience,”_ but stopped himself. Was being alone going to be any better? He’d only been on his own for half a day at most, and he was already chatting it up with a stranger so he wouldn’t have to stew in his own misery. He’d rather stick around someone who could put up with him rather than end up with someone less naive. Jen seemed glad to have his company as well, so clearly she still wanted him around. Gordon wasn’t sure how well he’d fare against the open ocean alone. They might be able to defend each other should _they_ come back, and that was the least Gordon could do for her at this point. Even if he was clearly shit at it.

In retrospect, it was the best and worst decision Gordon had ever made. 

“Sure.”

Jen blinked. “Really?”

“Yeah. Might as well.”

“Great!” she shouted, before coughing and saying in a lower voice, “I’ve got a place a little further out where we can camp. It’s far enough out from the shore that no boats or humans should bother us.”

“Okay.”

Jen pushed herself off of the rock to float upright, slinging the long strip attached to her bag around her shoulder and fiddling with a metal loop attached to it. When she decided she was done (Gordon didn’t really understand the point of the loop in the first place) she glanced back at Gordon and asked, “You coming?”

Gordon realized he’d just been staring at her blankly, not getting up from his position. God, he was tired. “Yeah, one sec.”

He pushed himself up from the rocks, following Jen as she swam off into the open water.

“... so. Do you eat people?”

Jen huffed and yelled over her shoulder, “ _No!_ No I don’t!”

As the cave faded off into the distance, Gordon realized he felt safe. He hoped that was a good thing.


	2. Blind Eyes and Blue Skies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon eats a snail, gets existential, and starts a lifelong friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAA this took a while but it should be faster now that I know where I'm going with this,,,,
> 
> in other news:
> 
> demizorua (author of Spring and a Storm) has been SO helpful with beta'ing this chapter and answering questions. blease give them some love (if you haven't already), their fic is in the carrd.
> 
> solace (author of A Thousand Words, a joshua pov fic) has also reached out to me and helped make a character for a later chapter! their fic is super good too, go give it a read.
> 
> as always, thanks to Catmint/CrackheadMossMan for creating the mer au. 
> 
> carrd for the mer au: https://hlvraimerau.carrd.co/#

“So, let me get this straight, you used to live in an entirely different ocean.”

“Yep.”

“Where you regularly lived RIGHT next to the shore.”

“This is true.”

“And the seaweed reached the fucking- the TOP of the water.”

A smug smile began to spread across Jen’s face. “Are you just gonna repeat everything I say?”

“ _ Fucking hell-  _ You’re not fucking with me right now?”

“Why would I be?”

“Because you usually fuckin’- dodge this question.”

“Well, maybe I decided not to this time.”

“Why?”

“Fuck around and find out.”

Gordon snorted, and refocused on scanning the rocks for small fish. Almost immediately he regretted his over-the-top reaction, because most of the fish he’d had his eye on swam away at his outburst. Shit.

Gordon and Jen had been… “hanging out” together for a while now (Gordon refused to call their arrangement anything else for the time being). They’d had to dodge and weave through human-infested areas to get to open water and to keep away from sight. Gordon wasn’t that experienced with his voice, and it didn’t seem like the time for experimenting with new things. Whatever those humans had come for, they’d brought a million more of their kind along with them. 

They’d finally reached the open ocean a while later, giving them enough breathing room to start learning new things about their surroundings and each other. Jen had freaked out when he’d first used his pharyngeal jaws in front of her, leaving him in stitches for hours, completely breathless. That is, until she revealed her many rows of jagged teeth that could easily outperform his extra jaw. Jen was also faster than Gordon was by a wide margin, which made races more than a little unfair. However, Gordon held the slight advantage of being not only more familiar with their surroundings, but also a leviathan trained in combat. Play-fights weren’t really a challenge for him, and he could easily slip into the rocks for surprise-attacks.

But, jokes aside, Gordon was really happy Jen had finally answered his questions about her original habitat. Over the past… however long it’d been, Jen had been very cagey with details about her past, beyond what she’d told him that cycle in the cave. Most notably, she refused to explain why she always wore that shirt, despite it probably being uncomfortable. Giving up information about her previous habitat, even jokingly, proved he was doing at least something right. Maybe. 

“Honestly, I don’t fuckin’ know how you stand the heat here,” Jen muttered as she rummaged around the rocks. “‘S too warm all the time.”

“It was colder there?”

“Not ‘cold,’ just ‘normal temperature with shade.’”

“Sounds cold to me.”

Jen threw a rock at him. “Shut up. Y’all get more sun.”

“Pale ass-”   
  


“Yellow ass.”   
  


“That’s low.” He knew damn well how the yellow of his tail made him stick out.

“So is making fun of my old habitat- are we getting food or not?” Her eyes suddenly dilated as they fixed on something hidden in the rocks, and in a moment she pulled out a small fish - “Score” - and devoured it whole in a single bite. 

“No fair,” Gordon whined.

“Hey, I wasn’t the one making all the noise here.”

“Still. I’m hungry too.” Gordon scanned the rocks a little more frantically, leaving no stone unturned in the hopes of maybe finding a grub, but hopefully something more filling. He would take anything at this point.

Jen looked over his plight, her eyebrows momentarily furrowing in worry (Gordon hated seeing that look on her face, it was another reminder of the dead weight he’d attached to her) before sighing and swimming away. “Wait here, I’ll go find where the fish went.”

“...What?!”

“Shh! You’re gonna scare them away again,” she called over her shoulder.

“Says you!”

“ _ Shhh! _ ”

Gordon crossed his arms (he was aware of how ridiculous he looked) and swam in the opposite direction, determined to get his own dinner  _ thank you very much. _

If he wasn’t  _ so _ determined he might have been a little more worried over a little movement in the corner of his eye, a pink-ish mass flicking away from his line of sight. 

He was totally not unnerved by that slight motion. He totally did not flinch or glance around his seemingly motionless surroundings in fear. He also did not panic a little at the passing thought that maybe, just maybe, the humans had come to finish the job. 

His sadistic-ass brain did  _ not _ immediately fire back with the image of Jen having to watch him die.

Totally not. He was over it.

Gordon forcibly put it out of his mind, focusing instead on hunting.  _ Gordon, there’s nothing there. Stop fucking jumping at everything that moves. _

That would be a lot easier if there were actually anything to focus on - the rocky, dark crevasses one would usually be able to find fish in were completely barren. The fuck? There was no way just Gordon’s loud rant could have scared away that many fish. They weren’t being that loud. Something must’ve come through here to scare them off.

Before he could follow that thought any further, he glanced up at his surroundings once again only for his eyes to catch on a brilliant green fish not far from his position. Fuck yes.

Gordon stilled, bringing the steady back-and-forth swish of his tail to a near-standstill as he inched closer, huddling near the rock. He readied his claws, ready to snatch the tilapia as soon as he got a little closer, leaning in to take his chance-

“Hi.”

“JESUS FUCKING-”

Gordon flinched violently at the voice coming from behind him, somehow managing to propel himself about ten feet away from its source. He was not proud of the screech that had managed to claw its way out of his throat. Fortunately, he managed to pull himself together enough to whip around with a strangled growl, putting his teeth and claws on full display for whoever happened to have snuck up on him.

Beside him floated the strangest-looking siren Gordon had ever seen in his life. Their tail was relatively short and looked… weirdly pale and fleshy, in some parts, like they’d never seen the sun before, but their skin looked strangely blackened on the shoulders and back. Almost like they’d... tanned? They had second set and third sets of arms that were currently held up in a reassuring gesture, probably because their primary set of limbs were currently occupied holding their hands over their ears. Gordon forgot how loud he could get sometimes. Their ears were pointed and frilly on the ends, and their shoulders and collarbone were decorated with larger but similar frills. A pale mop of hair obscured their eyes, leaving Gordon to approximate their expression of discomfort with their sharp-toothed grimace. 

Strangely enough, they didn’t look  _ scared _ . Or particularly nervous. Maybe annoyed, if you counted the obvious discomfort caused by Gordon’s frightened screech. Gordon would’ve thought his hostile body language would’ve at least startled them. 

“That hurt,” they whined, as they removed their hands from their ears.

“Who are you and what do you want?” Gordon’s voice cracked a little, causing him to wince. So much for sounding tough.

“What?” Their expression shifted to confusion, mixed with sudden nervousness. Again, Gordon was approximating. “I wanted to talk.”

“Okay. ‘Talk,’ then.”

“Um. What am I supposed to say?” Their head didn’t shift to look up at Gordon. Gordon was a little annoyed - they couldn’t even bother looking at the person they’d just fucked over? And they were playing dumb?

“ _ Maybe _ , you could say what you were interrupting me for?”

“I was interrupting you?”

“ _ Yes _ , man, the- fucking- fish, I was about to catch it before you scared it off-” He glanced around the area again - yep, it fucking swam away. Goddamnit.

“Oh.” They looked genuinely guilty for that. “Sorry.”

“‘Sorry’ isn’t gonna get me my food back!”

“... There’s plenty of other fish here.”

Gordon gestured wildly to their sad, fishless surroundings. “No there fucking isn’t!”

“There isn’t?” They sounded genuinely lost, like they couldn’t fucking see the obvious lack of fish - 

Oh shit. They’re blind. 

“... Yes. I am”

Oh shit. Gordon said that out loud.

“Shit, man, I’m sorry.”

“Eh.” They didn’t seem upset, though Gordon couldn’t really see their full expression.

“Wait, then how could you see- know where I was?”   
  
“You were making a lot of noise.”

“Ah.” Was he? He was trying to move as noiselessly as possible. Maybe he was breathing too loudly? Fuck, his nerves were fried.

Gordon’s stomach growled. Still, he didn’t want to admit defeat with Jen, as petty as that was. He felt bad taking advantage of her like that, letting his weakness get the better of him all the time so that she has to do the heavy lifting. It wasn’t fair to expect her to do all that and still put up with him - Gordon hated people having high expectations for him, but he hated feeling like a burden even more. He was willing to do a lot to alleviate the situation. Even if it meant scrabbling around in the dirt to find his own food.  _ And shutting up from time to time, _ he thought bleakly.

The siren was looking at him now, concern evident in their frown.

“I could help you.”

“Wha?”

“With the food. I could help you get some. To make up for the other one”

Gordon was hesitant enough to almost decline his offer - he wasn’t that weak - before rethinking his current predicament. How the hell else was he going to find fish around here? “Okay. Sure. What do you have in mind?”

The siren cracked a small smile and swam over to a random rock half-buried in the sand. They struggled lifting it for a moment, but after a moment they pulled the lower half of the rock out from the sand. 

Dotting the underside of the rock were an assortment of small snails. What the fuck. The siren was looking in his direction, an expectant look on their face.  _ What the fuck. _

“Uh.”

“They’re good.”

This was not what he expected to be doing today. This was very far from what he expected to be doing today.

His stomach growled again.  _ Fuck, guess we’re doing this now. _ He pried a snail off the underside of the rock. Snails were… not his favorite. They were always too slimy for his taste (Jen mocked him relentlessly for that; just because he was slimy himself did not mean he liked to eat said slime).

The siren did not follow, just continued waiting patiently.

“Are you gonna-”

“No. I ate last week.” They said, very matter-of-factly. 

Gordon was so far from questioning that at this point. He sniffed at the snail, turning it over to look at the underside - no poisonous markings. Good, at least they weren’t intentionally trying to kill him. He wasn’t entirely sure whether he’d have enough self-control to not eat poison.

_ Fuck it. I’ve done weirder shit. _

Gordon popped the sucker in his mouth. His pharyngeal jaws snapped it up, pulling it down into his throat without letting him really taste it. Which was good - the tiny taste he got of the snail was horribly  _ wet _ .

Well. He wasn’t dead yet. Gordon didn’t feel like his insides were doing flips either (he ate a rock thinking it was a crab once when he was really little - he knew what “oh god I’ve made a horrible mistake” felt like when it came to food). Guess eating snail isn’t all bad if one’s desperate enough.

Gordon pried another bug off the rock. “So. Where’d you come from?”

“What?” The siren frowned.

“I mean, I haven’t seen anyone like you before. No offense.”

“Oh. A cave.”

Huh. “A cave? Where?”

“Inland.”

“Inland?! You’re freshwater?

“Yeah. Came down here a while ago.”

“Why?”

“Humans kept intruding. It was annoying.”

Gordon felt that. It’s definitely annoying having to avoid human contact when humans seemed to be  _ everywhere _ in the ocean now.

“Wait. What’s your name? That should’ve been my first question.”

“Abel. You?”

“Gordon.”

They fell into a slightly uncomfortable silence, Gordon swatted Abel away as he shifted to hold up the rock himself, leaving Abel to float silently as Gordon ate his fill of snails (he still was not comfortable with that thought and he probably would never be). 

Gordon coughed, eager to restart the conversation, if only for Abel’s sake. He wanted to repay him at least a little. “So. Uh. You got a school?”

“No.”

“Like- Like you never had one, or-?”

“Never had one.”

Wow. “Shit. Sorry.”

“It’s alright. Loneliness is a part of life.”

Gordon nearly choked on a snail. “Gh- What?”

“It’s not so bad, being alone. Most don’t understand me or understand wrong.”

Gordon felt like his brain was about to fucking melt. “I- Okay?”

“You seem okay, though. You’re lost too.”

_ What the fuck did that mean? _ “What the fuck does that mean?”

“You don’t know what your purpose is anymore.”

… he wasn’t wrong. His old school had been horrible, with high expectations he was constantly expected to strive for in the name of survival, sure, but now? Even with Jen, who was an absolute  _ godsend _ , he felt like his leviathan status was… wasted. He wanted to… fuck, he wanted to be able to protect her. Not that he thought he needed to, but he wanted to. Wanted to make all that suffering mean something, for the both of them. 

Not that it’d matter. He’d probably only fail again.

Ugh, Gordon was getting existential. He covered his face with his free hand. “Fuck, man.”

Abel patted his shoulder. “It’s alright. You’re trying your best.”

“Thank… you?” Gordon tried really hard to keep the wobble out of his voice, to no avail. He looked back up at Abel through his fingers, only to be met with the fucking take of the century.

“Your hardship is not your fault.”

That one… hit a little close to home. Even if it was total gibberish in context. Gordon sniffed a little. “This is the weirdest encouragement I’ve ever gotten in my life.”

“Good.” Abel smiled. Gordon popped another snail into his mouth to disguise his sniffles.

Jen took that moment to make her entrance. “Gordon I found something over here- Are you eating  _ snails _ ?”

Gordon started, dropping the rock as he turned to look at her. She was holding a pile of mollusks, looking between him and Abel, taking in Gordon’s teary-eyed expression and Abel’s hand still on his shoulder, her own expression twisting from confusion to rage.

“Jen, I can explain-” Gordon started, swimming over to her.

“I leave for fifteen minutes and you’re eating  _ snails _ ,” she nearly growled, but not at him. Jen put down the mollusks in the sand and swam around Gordon, evading his attempts at de escalation, putting herself in between him and Abel.

“Who’s this?” Abel asked, blankly.

“Jen. He’s not a threat,” Gordon warned, holding Jen back by the shoulder.

“Then what the fuck was going on here?”

“He was helping me find some food because he chased most of it off.”

“So the solution was to eat a bug, Gordon?”

“... it was a moment of weakness.”

“I was already getting food.”

“I know. I didn’t want to trouble you.”

Jen raised an eyebrow at him. Yeah. Convincing.

“Look, he hasn’t tried anything yet.”

Jen glanced between him and Abel, who was currently looking (well, maybe that wasn’t the right word) away from them, facing the open ocean. 

She sighed. “Yeah. Okay. I trust you.” Jen swam over to Abel, a hesitant look on her face. “So. What’re you doing here?”

Abel turned to face Jen. “Living. You?”   


“What?”

“This is where I live right now.”   


“Uh huh.” Jen sounded skeptical. “You’ve always lived here?”

“No. This place sucks.”

Jen snorted. “I hear you.”

“It  _ does not _ suck! Neither of you have ever seen the sun before,” Gordon protested.

“No, it sucks,” Jen replied.

“Too warm,” Abel added. “And salty.”

“Oh yeah, same.”

“Jen, you’ve lived in saltwater your whole life.”

“Well, yeah, but with you salt is never in short supply.” Jen burst into uncontrollable laughter (at her own joke). Abel then reached his hand out for a high five, which Jen gladly accepts.

“I’m glad you two are getting along,” Gordon grumbled.

“I see the salt is rearing its head,” Abel giggled.

“Oh, you haven’t seen anything yet,” Jen said.

“What the fuck, guys!”

They actually ended up bickering like that for quite some time, Jen asking questions about Abel (“So, like, how does cave water taste?”) and Abel asking questions about Jen and Gordon in turn (“What was that  _ scream _ ?” “Buddy, you do  _ not _ want to know”). Eventually they remembered the pile of mollusks, which launched into a whole conversation about what those were, as Gordon and Jen dug in. It was… really nice. Gordon couldn’t remember the last time he’d just let himself relax like this - no immediate danger, no overwhelming responsibility, just talking with two friends. 

Did he even  _ have _ friends before now?

He looked between both Abel, who was stacking cracked mollusk shells in a neat pile, and Jen, who was aiming one of her shells to knock the pile over. 

Gordon smiled to himself.  _ I guess I didn’t. _

_ And I’ll fucking do  _ anything _ to keep it this way. _

He was shaken out of his thoughts by Jen’s voice. “Hey, do you think you’d want to come with us?”

“What do you mean?” Abel was hard at work fruitlessly re-stacking the pile and sounded a bit distracted. Or maybe nervous.   
  


“I mean- This place is pretty close to a lot of human-infested waters. Me and Gordos were headed farther out. Maybe you could come with us? It’d be safer than out here.”

Abel put the final shell on top of the pile. “Sure.”

“Cool!”

Gordon sputtered, “Wait, really?”

“Yeah. It sounds nice.”

“I would’ve thought-”

“Loneliness might be a part of life, but that doesn’t mean I like it all the time.”

Jen leaned over to Gordon. “Has he been talking like that the whole time?”

“Yeah,” he whispered back.

“Alright, whatever, I’m just glad I’ll have some more friendly faces around.”

Abel smiled. “I haven’t had any faces around!”

Jen blinked. “... alright.” She pushed herself off the ocean floor and picked up her bag, sliding the strap onto her shoulder as she turned to Gordon. “We’d better get moving, the fishing ships out there are making me nervous.” She pointed towards a dark mass, nearly a pinprick on the horizon, floating miles away from their current location.

“How did you  _ see _ that?”   
  


“I can smell the blood, dipstick.” Oh. They were the  _ fin-stealing _ fishers. 

“Yeah, okay, we should go now.” He turned towards Abel. “You good? Got anything you need to bring with you?”

Abel shrugged. “Nothing except myself.”

“Okay.” Gordon started swimming out towards the open ocean.

“Woah, hang on, wait up-” Jen easily managed to swim in front of Gordon, cutting off his swift exit from the conversation. “You’re alright with this?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I didn’t really ask for your input? You didn’t really respond? I don’t know, man.”

“Oh.” He was kind of distracted. “Of course I’m fine with it.” He’d already made up his mind about Abel - he wasn’t gonna let him get caught by a bunch of fishermen, or worse, that’s for damn sure. 

Jen scanned his face, her eyebrows creating a worried crease just above her nose. “You sure? You look… stressed.”

“I do?” 

“Yeah, like you started thinking too much again.”

Huh. “I wasn’t aware.”   
  


“Look, don’t worry about the boats, they’re probably not from… you know.”

Yeah, that’s what he was worried about. Not the crushing guilt that came with assuming responsibility for the safety of two people that now meant the goddamn world to him, and with the knowledge that he’s probably going to fail. Again. Totally not.

Though that did bring up the underlying anxiety that resulted from the constant presence of humans in their peripheral- 

Gordon’s breath hitched. “Yeah, you’re right.” Gordon looked away, pretending to scan the rocks below them.

Jen frowned. “Alright.” She obviously wasn’t convinced, but Gordon wasn’t fond of the idea of dumping more of his problems onto her. 

“Also, Jen?”   
  


“Yeah?”

“Never call me ‘Gordos’ again.”

Jen cracked a shit-eating grin. “No promises.”

As Jen re-adjusted the strap of her bag, Abel’s reassurance kept echoing through Gordon’s mind.

_ Your hardship is not your fault. _

Maybe so. But he wanted to make their hardship  _ worth it _ .

\---

They roamed around the ocean for another year or so, dodging around boats and groups of black-clad humans exploring the ocean floor, trying to find a place to settle down. They ended up choosing a small clearing pretty far into the depths for Gordon (he’d lived close to the surface all of his life), mostly for Jen and Abel’s sake. It was cold and shaded enough for both of them to be more comfortable, and not cold enough for him to be uncomfortable. It had big enough rocks for both him and Abel to have separate, relatively large dens, and had enough of a barrier to the outside so that Jen wouldn’t accidentally wander too far while she slept (it had been a problem for them for a while). Humans didn’t frequent the area too often due to its distinct lack of fish, which made hunting a pain but saved Gordon a lot of trouble.

So, was it an absolutely perfect place for them to stay? No, but for a bunch of tired, scared teenagers, it was as good as home.

_ Home. _ He didn’t think he’d ever be calling it that so soon. Maybe he was getting clingy.

Jen made herself right at home, designating a hooked rock outcropping as her personal dumping ground, keeping her bag slung over the top and swimming lazy circles around it in her free time. Gordon had thought they were already well-adjusted to each other, but he seemed to learn something new about her every day. Not the least of which being the truly staggering number of bottlecaps she had in her bag - how the fuck she kept that from him this whole time was forever a mystery to him. They eventually found a bottle a little closer to the shore for her to keep them in, and it forever remained her most consistent and beloved collection. She also had a customized pocket knife engraved with a name Gordon couldn’t read. Despite knowing what it said, Jen refused to tell him, jokingly citing a “dark secret you would never be able to comprehend.” At least, Gordon interpreted it as a joke - he could never tell with her.

Another, more worrying development was the discovery of a thousand new scars Gordon had never seen before. He didn’t ask about them, of course, but now he understood why that t-shirt was so dear to her, and why she took such pains to keep it intact. It hid her shame. Which was something Gordon could relate to on an almost uncomfortably intimate level.

Abel spent most of his time in his den, either sleeping or just singing softly to himself. Of course, he still hung around them, and made a point of interacting with both of them at least once a day, but for the most part he kept to himself. He’d also taken the news of Gordon's leviathan status pretty well, all things considered, even after they explained why that was a big deal. He just stayed his weird, cryptic self, which was honestly a relief. Abel was also an amazing listener, letting him vent about awkward topics without making it weird (somehow), or giving unnecessary input outside of comfort and indications he was still listening. He always denied the compliment, though, saying that “it wasn’t that hard to listen to people.”

Gordon himself changed a lot, though. He wasn’t sure if it was caused by being a leviathan, but very quickly he grew longer than Jen (who didn’t quite take the development well, going on a long-winded rant that boiled down to “how dare you have a growth spurt”), his fins growing longer along with them. The stray scales dotting his chest and face started to give off a weirdly iridescent glow, highlighted by the darker water. He didn’t quite mind, however - the extra length made it easier to bundle himself up in the corner of his den, and the glow brightened up his den a little. (No, he was NOT scared of the dark. He can  _ see _ in the dark,  _ JEN _ .)

Gordon made an extraordinary effort to keep their area secure, postponing sleep many nights to pace the perimeter of the rock walls. Just looking out for humans, just in case - no sign of other sirens yet. You know, something a good  _ friend _ would do for his  _ friends _ . They were his friends, and he wanted to protect them. Considering any other explanation made his chest hurt in a way he didn’t want to recognize.

The next few years passed in a blip with only one major incident between them. Gordon had gotten the hang of his voice pretty quickly, usually spotting boats and divers soon enough to turn them away, but this time he was a bit distracted with waking Jen up before she swam into a bed of sharp rocks. By the time they got back, a diver had an unconscious Abel by the wrist, a neon dart poking into his neck and a camera (as Jen explained later) in their hand, taking pictures of him as he floated limp. 

The sheer fucking  _ audacity _ of the action, to tranquilize a  _ living being _ just to ogle them, made Gordon’s blood boil. He didn’t bother with using his voice (not that he thought he could - he definitely wouldn’t have been able to focus enough), instead opting to tear into the bastard at full force, ripping into the arm that held Abel, nearly separating it from its owner. Call him a sadist, but it felt good, knowing he had the power to protect his friends, the power to hurt those that hurt them. He ended the conflict swiftly, snapping the diver’s neck like a twig, with a practiced ease he didn’t know he still had. 

Jen… looked at him differently, after that. Gordon remembered the utterly shocked look she had on her face, frozen just after pulling out the dart, Abel gathered in her arms. She insisted that the issue was not with the diver’s death - “Honestly, the world’s fuckin’ better off without them,” she mumbled, her diamond eyes fixed on Abel, limp in her arms - but it took her a while to get back to normal. In the long term, she stopped tagging along when he went on patrol, simply saying that she thought she was “too fast” for him to keep up. She wasn’t, anymore, but it was the only explanation she gave. Gordon felt a little sad for the lack of banter as he scouted, but Jen still talked to him regularly otherwise, so it quickly became the new norm.

Overall, Gordon was just surprised at how  _ happy _ he felt. He was still stressed, and feared for his and his friends’ safety all the time, but life just seemed… simpler now. Most of all, he was happy for them - both Abel and Jen have had rough pasts, and even if their current situation wasn’t perfect, it was still home for them, and that was really all Gordon would have hoped for.

It was all he could hope for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes there WILL be canon characters,,,, let gordon have friends for now
> 
> joshua's up next, I'm thrilled to write tiny guppy moments. cat this is YOUR fault.


	3. Finding Joshua

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon finds an egg and becomes a dad, because those are the rules.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhh sorry this took so long!!! but joshie moments!!!!!!
> 
> anyway i've been super active on the ccy2k server. please go read that on tumblr, it's a really good y2kvr au with some really cool mods.
> 
> as always thank you to liz and cat. cat for the mer au in general and liz for being super duper helpful.
> 
> and yes. absolutely this is a very complicated, long finding nemo ref.

Gordon thought he’d checked this area. 

He’d been through each nook and cranny within a mile’s radius of their area. He knew which caves were big enough to hide a diver, he knew where all the hiding places for potentially malicious sirens were, he knew which direction all the fishing boats usually come from. Gordon even had names for each specific rock formation - look, he got bored on patrols sometimes - and recited them now, as he scanned the rocky, underwater horizon, his hand resting over the entrance to the cave: Big Bessie, The Cursed Hook (Jen’s rock - she got to pick out the name), Even Steven, The Pit (“we don’t talk about the pit”).

Point is: he’d been doing this for a good long while, and had a nearly flawless memory of the area. He remembers that he’d just checked the particular cave he was floating in front of last cycle.

Maybe he was wrong?

Because he definitely did not remember seeing a collection of fucking siren eggs hidden here.

The first thing that had set off major warning signals in his head was the strong, coppery stench of blood emanating from the cavern that made his fins curl. It was definitely recent; the blood wouldn’t have been this concentrated otherwise. It would also explain why Jen hadn’t detected the blood - she was currently asleep, so it (whatever “it” was) must have happened in the last few hours. Taking a wild guess, Gordon could also say it was siren blood - given the, well, you know, and the lack of boats in the past few days. 

Fuck. He was avoiding the elephant seal in the room. Gordon forced himself to look inside once again.

At the corner of the cave was a small pile of red-tinged siren eggs. That was obviously another major red flag - who the fuck just piles unborn guppies in a corner? That just felt distinctly... wrong to Gordon. He was used to eggs being kept in large shells or, more commonly, small hiding holes in dens. Things that were either portable or hidden, things that could be easily protected. This was neither; it looked like someone had just haphazardly dumped an armful of eggs in a corner. That was either a sign of a ridiculously bad parent, or a desperate one.

The blood didn’t really make either option more appealing.

Oh yeah- Did he mention most of the eggs were crushed or battered beyond reasonable doubt of their death?

Because that was also a thing Gordon was currently wrestling with.

The whole scene was just. Deeply, deeply horrifying, if Gordon was being perfectly honest. He’d been frozen at the entrance for longer than he could count now, just fucking processing all the shit he was seeing. Something about just… the pettiness of the act, to kill a whole roe of eggs that thoroughly, deliberately even, just unsettled him on a primal level.

The worst part was: it was already over. There was no one to yell at, no villain to blame, no victim to protect. Anyone involved was long gone. It was just pure destruction. The aftermath of something he’ll never witness or fully understand.

Hey, dumbass, maybe check the fucking eggs before you launch into another existential crisis?

Right. That’s the thing he needed to be doing right now. Fuck.

Gordon forced himself to swim over to the eggs, pushing down the sickened feeling in his stomach as his eyes looked over the destruction, frantically looking for answers, a survivor, something, anything productive-

-and landed on a single, untouched egg.

Holy fuck.

Gordon quickly scooped the survivor out of the wreckage, cradling it in his hands as he scanned the mass of broken eggs again, making sure he didn’t miss anything - nope. This was it.

He stayed there for a bit, just spacing out into the flawless, red surface of the egg, knowing that there’s a living being in there, still carrying on, not knowing that their entire life has been turned on its head. That their life could’ve ended before it even started. That they could’ve been left to rot in the wreckage.

Like you, said a tiny voice in the back of Gordon’s brain.

Focus on the situation at hand, Freeman.

Obviously he couldn’t just… leave it here. Gordon wasn’t gonna do that. No way.

Somehow, though, he still felt hesitant at the concept of bringing it back to their habitat. The thought of taking care of someone that vulnerable frankly scared him. Jen and Abel were easy enough to protect, neither of them necessarily prone to doing anything too risky or straying too far - Jen sometimes being the exception, she sometimes disappeared to go “scavenge” - but they were both mature sirens. Both independent in their own right, and he knew Jen at least could fend for herself. This was a guppy - someone that would be completely dependent on him for survival. 

He wasn’t sure if they would be much better off with him, to be entirely honest.

But, Gordon didn’t exactly have room to doubt himself here, did he?

He took another glance at the egg in his hands. Gordon could feel his instincts screaming at him to hide it, protect it, guard it, focusing in on the pulse of life underneath his fingers.

“Hey, little buddy.” He patted the top of the egg softly. “C’mon. I’ll get you someplace safe.”

Gordon clutched the egg to his chest as he headed back towards their habitat.

He might need some help with this one.

\---

“Jen. Jen, holy shit, wake up!”

Jen slowly blinked her eyes open, shifting her tail to stop her “sleep-pacing,” her diamond-shaped eyes darting from the hand on her shoulder to Gordon’s panicked face. “Hm?”

“Jen! C’mon. Wake up.”

She brushed off his hand as she blinked, adjusting to the low light. “I’m up, I’m up. What’s up?”

“I’ve got something you need to see- I don’t know if you’ll know anything about it but I’m kind of at a loss and- I don’t know, okay?”

Jen shot him a tired glare, though it was obviously missing any malice. “It’s the middle of the night, Gordon. What the fuck.”

“Wh- It’s kind of urgent!”

She brought up one of her hands to rub at her eyes. “Okay- Exactly how urgent? Better question: Why now?”

“Very urgent, and because I’m freaking the fuck out right now and don’t know what to do about this situation because it’s fucking stressful and weird and sudden and I don’t really know what the fuck happened but I do need a second opinion-”

That seemed to have fully sobered her, waving her hands in front of herself to cut off his rant. “Okay, okay. What’s going on?”

Gordon took a sharp inhale, slowly holding out his cupped hands to reveal the egg he was holding inside, making sure it didn’t roll out of his hand. “Look- okay, I know eggs kinda need a lot of protection but I don’t think there’s any alternatives right now and- and-” Gordon decided to cut himself right there, looking up at Jen to gauge her reaction.

Jen was staring intensely at the egg, hand over her mouth in contemplation. After a few seconds of silence, she spoke up. “That’s an egg.”

Gordon sighed. “Yes, it’s an egg, I’ve established that, now-”

“Why do you have an egg.”

“I was getting to that part!”

“Really? Do tell, because I am exceptionally fucking lost right now.”

Gordon filled her in on his latest patrol- no, outing. Whatever the fuck. He’s still not ready to call it that. He kept his eyes on the egg in his hands, still somehow able to feel the life just underneath the membrane, as he described the rest of the destroyed roe. The whole thing still seemed surreal to Gordon - how had something like this slipped under his radar? What the fuck even happened to the eggs? Who would be that cruel?

Better question: why did his chest ache at the thought of letting anything like that happen again?

Jen seemed once again in deep thought, still keeping her eyes on the egg. She cleared her throat. “So. We’re both going off the assumption that that its parent is probably dead, or worse, yeah?”

“I mean, I guess?”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“The problem is that I fucking don’t know what to do now?! I thought that was obvious?!”

“You sure? You seem really set on taking care of it - I thought that was obvious.”

Gordon sputtered, “I- No- You- how the fuck was that obvious?”

Jen gave him a skeptical look. “Gordon. C’mon. You’ve been staring at it like it’s your prize jewel for like…” she swirled her hand in the water to emphasize her point, “... ten minutes now?”

Gordon clutched the egg close to his chest, ignoring the irony in his words. “I HAVE NOT.”

Jen snorted. “Have so. Big boy protective instincts are on full display right now, dude.”

“I’m just doing my goddamn job-”

“Can both of you please stop fighting right outside of my den?”

Gordon and Jen both immediately stopped bickering to turn to Abel, who was clearly sleep-addled and distressed at the current argument unfolding before him.

Gordon decided to break the silence. “Uh. Hi.”

Abel gave a tired wave. “Hi. What’s going on?”

Gordon let out a labored sigh. “It’s a long story-”

“Gordos found an egg and is being a guppy about it,” Jen interrupted. Gordon shot Jen a seething glare, which she responded to with a shrug. “He was going to find out anyway.”

Abel simply tilted his head, his previous tension notably absent. “Oh. Is that all?”

“No, it’s not all!” Gordon snapped. He instantly felt guilty - it really wasn’t their fault he couldn’t get his shit together - but at this point he was too worked up to stop. “I didn’t want- I don’t want to get everyone worried over something this fucking dumb. I’m freaking out over something I want to do anyway and- and it’s probably fine, yeah, I know that, but fucking-” Gordon cut himself off again, looking pleadingly at the other two sirens listening in, who both still looked lost.

“No offense, but I’m still not sure what the issue is,” Abel said, tension returning to his voice despite the obvious attempt at monotone.

“Me neither,” Jen muttered back.

“FUCKING-” Gordon cut himself off, suddenly realizing he was shouting as Abel flinched and Jen raised an eyebrow at him. His hands were trembling. He forced them to still, clutching the egg as tightly and gently as possible. Fuck. Seriously? Right now? “... nevermind.”

“Neverm- Gordon.” Jen put a hand on his shoulder as Gordon looked down, shrinking in on himself, his tail wrapping around him as he settled into the ground, muttering what must sound like complete and utter nonsense under his breath - all the distressed growling probably overpowered his insane rambling. Wow, can’t even handle a simple abandoned egg without breaking down. What a goddamn hero. He had half a mind to brush Jen’s hand off of him, but the sensation helped ground him into reality - and let’s be honest, he kind of really needed it. He could trust Jen, at least. Abel floated down and wrapped his tail around himself too, sitting across from Gordon but making no move to reach out to him, a concerned frown on his face.

Great. So now they’ve formed a fucking support group. Just what he needed, to feel patronized and pitied.

Gordon took a deep breath, scrunching his eyes shut and sitting up straight. “No. I’m good.” Had to get out of here before he said something he’s going to regret.

“Clearly not,” Jen scoffed, attempting to alleviate the tension as usual, but falling silent as the joke fell on bitter ears. She shifted closer to him, brushing her tail up against his in a comforting manner and dropping her voice into a quiet, serious mutter, “If you don’t want to take care of it, it's okay. We can figure something out.”

Thankfully, Gordon could think clearly enough to automatically respond, “No! It’s not that.”

Jen looked him straight in the eyes, searching for something in his expression, before relenting. “Okay. Then what is the issue?”

Gordon let his eyes fix on the egg in his hands again, trying to figure out exactly how to articulate his hesitation. He thought back to his inner monologue at the cave. “... what if… what if I fuck it up?”

“... How so?”

“I’m not- I don’t want-” God, why was this so hard to just say out loud? Fuck. He swallowed down a lump in his throat. “I guess I don’t want them to end up… bitter? Alone? Fuckin’- Hurt?” Maybe that was an oversimplification, but “like me” dredged up too much in his mind to warrant bringing up right now.

“Who says they will?”

That caught him off guard. “... huh?”

Jen squeezed his shoulder before responding, “Gordon. You are one of the most responsible people I’ve ever met - especially considering the circumstances. You’ve been patrolling your ass off to make sure that this place is as safe and secure as it can possibly fucking be. Most of all, you’ve been exceptionally fucking patient about all of it, which is more than I can say for most sirens in your position.” Jen took a deep breath, looking back at Gordon as if the next part should be obvious. When all she got was his bleary, confused stare, she sighed and continued, “Personally, I think you’d be a good father. A great one, actually.” Jen looked deep in thought for a moment afterwards, before adding, “It’s not like you’ll be doing it alone, anyway.”

Gordon had no idea how to respond to that, to be honest. He sort of leaned into the hand still clasped on his shoulder, digesting everything she said, glancing over at Abel, who was still listening intently. Just by staying here Abel was showing a lot more care than he usually did - Abel was prone to either slip back into his cave in the middle of a conversation or when things got too intense or awkward. It was a show of solidarity on his part, which was greatly appreciated. The wave of relief that crashed over him also let him finally feel the weight of his droopy eyelids and tired arms - how long had he been awake, again?

Just having both of them there, taking time out to listen to his whiny bullshit, was more affection than he was used to. Maybe that was sad, but honestly, he was too relieved to care.

He couldn’t think of anything else to say other than, “... ‘s not patrolling.”

“And of course that’s what you focus on.”

Gordon snorted. “I mean. It’s not. ‘m not the leader.”

Jen put her free hand on her chest in mock-surprise. “Gave a whole-ass emotional speech and you go right back on your bullshit about not being the leader. So cold. And I thought we were friends.”

Gordon gave a full laugh at that, leaning against Jen further in the process, thankful for the judgement-free comfort. “Friends” didn’t quite cover it, not at this point, but Gordon didn’t feel the need to correct her.

“For what it’s worth,” Abel piped up, “I think you’ve always been good with guppies.”

Gordon blinked. “... how would you know that?”

“You just seem like you would be.”

Alright. So he had that going for him too, apparently. It was bizarre enough to warrant a chuckle from him as well. Abel proudly smiled back.

“Anyway,” Jen interrupted, “It’s still very early in the morning, and I think some of us-” she poked Gordon in the chest- “need some more sleep.” 

Gordon straightened, indignant. “Wh- No I don’t!”

“You’re practically drifting off already.” He was about to argue when Jen nudged him, gently getting up from her position, letting her hand slip from its position. “C’mon, you gotta go…” Gordon grabbed her hand, keeping it on his shoulder - he wasn’t ready to let go of it. Not yet. She rolled her eyes but thankfully kept the hand on his shoulder, using her free arm to pull Gordon up from his prone position and start leading him to his den, Abel following close behind.

It was annoying, sure, but it was definitely appreciated.

Yeah, they weren’t friends.

Family, more like.

\-----

Long story short, after many stress-filled nights, forced naps, and Gordon meticulously preparing his den, the egg hatched, yielding a tiny baby siren. He was finally able to release a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding - it was gonna be okay, he’d done everything right, kept it warm and safe enough; his guppy was going to be alright. The guppy looked up at him with blank, undeveloped eyes, nuzzling back into his palm, and it was all Gordon could do to try not to cry in relief. 

It took a few days to decide on a name, but after he actually sat down with Jen to decide on one, the moment one of them mentioned “Joshua” it immediately clicked. It was just… right. 

The preparations Gordon had made prior to the egg’s hatching had evidently been unnecessary - Joshua took after his father almost too well and was perfectly content slipping through the tiny cracks in the walls of the den to sleep. It had been scary at first - not knowing where your child is as a new parent is always scary, he’s told - but it became pretty apparent early on that Joshua wasn’t going to hurt himself or run off unexpectedly. As he grew up and out of his early guppy stage, Joshua developed his own set of fins on either side of his head, as well as a thin tail with his own slime coat and pharyngeal jaw to boot, but while Gordon ‘s primary colors were a vibrant yellow and brown, Joshua was more dull grey and beige. It certainly made him much better at hide and seek, and Gordon couldn’t say he minded losing almost every single round thanks to his bad eyesight. Joshua also got along swimmingly (ha) with Abel, the two spending hours just wandering around the habitat on little “adventures.”

Initially, Gordon barely left his den as he was caring for Joshua, but pretty soon that became an impossible to maintain - he still had to scout the area every now and then. Jen was reluctant to be left alone with Joshua at first, but came around to the task of babysitting as time wore on, telling Joshua fantastical bedtime stories about the surface world as the guppy drifted off. It was almost sad, when one knew how she had learned those stories, but it was clear that she didn’t mind telling them, and minded even less when Joshua was hung on every single word.

And oh god the cowboys. Joshua was still obsessed with those stories above all, going as far as acting out some of the stories during playtime. Gordon was just happy to see his son so passionate about his interests. (He had to ask Jen about the specifics though - she was happy to provide the details but never let him live it down; “Do I need to start telling you bedtime stories as well? Need help to go beddy-bye?”).

Gordon was honestly just… surprised it had worked out as well as it did, considering. Being a leviathan (because, honestly, that’s what he was to them, there wasn’t any point in denying it) meant constantly expecting danger or catastrophe around every corner, but the fact that neither of them were present here was somehow both relieving and anxiety-inducing. In any case, it wouldn’t be an issue. He felt that he could handle anything that could happen to them at this point.

He could protect his school if it meant preserving this.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!!! this is my first fic posted to ao3 and I'd appreciate any constructive criticism on it. 
> 
> forzen and joshua come in later chapters. stay tuned!!!


End file.
